Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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