Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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