Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
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Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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