My first STD was from a foam party
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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