I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
