I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
