I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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