I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
