I accidentally burped into my bong.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
