God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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