I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
