it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
