i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
