Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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