We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
