I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
