I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
