It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
