apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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