I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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