That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
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She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
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The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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