i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
