It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
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he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
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You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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