I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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