Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
