I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
50% drunk capacity currently
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
