seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
