PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
