Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
