I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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