My underwear smells like fireworks.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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