I am midnight drunk by noon
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
