The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
