happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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