I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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