history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
