wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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