She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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