I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
