How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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