Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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