Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We have started to decorate penises.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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