It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
