Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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