On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
