All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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