Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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