I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
