Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
