Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
