Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
