He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
