If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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