I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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