His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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