Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
