Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
