Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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