I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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