Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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