i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
