I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
