we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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